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The Cookie Chronicles
Monday, July 05, 2004
  Saturday, April 5th

It is difficult for me to write out in plain words the change I have gone thru.

Yes, you’ve read my detailed, step-by-step exploits. First holding hands, then waists, etc, etc. Yet my very nature, the very character I was, has been completely faded out. I am now, a new person – totally.

Anyway, I got up, pimples sprouting below my lips, from all the goop I’ve been spreading. We went to Perkins with Fatima’s Vassar friends.

Got home. I called Leigh. Her bike’s broken but we decided to go to a movie. I washed my hair & it was such a MESS. I got so damn frustrated with my hair.

Well, I shaved, got out, looked at the clock, 1:30! & the movie begins at two! I fell into a panic & rush & I didn’t put the goop on.

Baba drove & we got Leigh. We talked & got to the theater. We sat down. Talked. The movie began & I put my arm around her waist. She said if I could move, she was uncomfortable. So I wrapped my arm around her neck & she held onto that arm’s hand & in this wondrous position we stayed for about an hour into the movie. I also put my hand on her left arm & fondled it often, slowly making my way up to her shoulder.

Then I fondled & fiddled with her hair. I think she really enjoyed it. It was really rather romantic. I made my way to her neck & ACTUALLY fondled & caressed her neck & jaw & once or twice her cheek. She would gently lean her head to my side when I did this.

After a while she said her neck was starting to hurt so I unwrapped my arm & we got in a diagram A position. In this position I continually caressed the length of her arm (I bet you’re enjoying reading this).

The movie was rated R & lots of racy dialogue but we laughed off most of it & had a good time. Also, in the diagram A position, my arm, at one point was lying completely on her upper thigh.

The movie, "Little Darlings" ended & we went out hand in hand, then I discovered a fantastic position. I put my arm around her neck onto her shoulder. This position caused no pain, plus it enables one to walk with the girl unawkwardly. Sort of.

We decided to go to the mall & we walked there, my arm around her neck, her arm around my waist. In this position, Rita Parida saw us! She was waiting by the door! I’m glad.........I feel, like a god damn……..yes……..a man.

We went into the mall, hand in hand. Bought ice-cream & sat down, (we saw her parents by the way & so we stopped & talked a bit).

Anyway, as we ate our ice-cream…....THE MOST SIGNIFICANT EVENT, THUS FAR, OCCURRED!!! It wasn’t the hand holding, nor waist holding, nor anything physical. It was an attitude, an atmosphere.

As we ate our ice-cream……….I…………began to actually get comfortable with Leigh. I mean that I regarded her as………..a friend! I mean, a real friend. I felt at ease as we talked. When we couldn’t find something to talk about, I, nor she, felt uncomfortable, tensed. I was calm with her.

For the 1st time since I first laid eyes on her, I finally managed to relax with her. We had a very, very relaxed atmosphere. I mean we truly felt that we finally reached a plateau.

We knew each other!!

This is the most important single event in our relationship. It signifies brighter days, increased enjoyment. We ARE friends. Friends, in the true sense of the word. Boy and girl, friends. I’ve taken a bounding leap for the better.

God I felt so good now that we were relaxed. I felt more calm, eased & I said much more eloquent things. Believe it or not, I even asked her to the Prom. I said, "Cookie, would you wanna go to the Prom?" She replied, "Are you asking me?"

Well, at this point I’m taking Leigh Hoffman to my goddamn high school prom. I just can’t get over how relaxed I was when I asked her.

We got up & walked & talked. Went to Sullivans. Upstairs I talked French with these 2 little french kids. I really have changed.

Then we both sat down on some furniture display & I put my arm around her shoulder & we just talked, talked so comfortably. I fondled her hands, etc, (you know we’re progressing when I stop going into detail in describing our quiet lovemaking).

One terrible incident. Her glasses were fractured & glued together & I accidently bumped her & the fracture opened, her lens fell & I felt like jumping off a building. Of course, I threw countless "I’m sorry’s" at her & she kept saying it was nothing. If this happened 2 weeks ago, OH THE EMBARRASMENT!

Let me show you our progression. A moment after her glasses broke, she offered me a piece of gum!!

Well, we walked & talked back to the theater. Talked to Kirsten. She’s got a very effervescent personality! Very nice, cheerful, always joking.

Me & Leigh sat down, always arm around her shoulder. She asked if I was ticklish after seeing that tickling my knee wouldn’t make me tickle. I said I wasn’t & she even tried tickling & even though I am ticklish I didn’t laugh at that moment. I asked if she was, she said yes & I began tickling her stomach.

This was SO WONDERFUL!!!! She would start laughing hysterically & flaying about me. God I love her so much. Then I did it again. Beautiful.

I rubbed her thigh, all the way to underneath, & her hands. After rubbing my wrist, she said that she likes hairy men. I was lucky there!

I asked her if she really liked my twinkling brown eyes. It wasn’t all perfect. We just played around, horsed around. We did practically everything but kiss each other & that, I hope, will be next.

I tried to never look at her directly (she wasn’t wearing glasses by the way) because the area beneath my lips was completely and grossly cracking. I could feel it with my hands. It must have looked disgusting. GOD I was so damn mad at myself. I must have looked BEASTLY. Hopefully, her eyes didn’t make out the flakiness because she was without glasses.

Well, Kirsten’s boyfriend came & we all squeezed in the back. Cookie had her arm around me, of course. Her sister (Pauline) was also with us & she’s damn good-looking (face wise).

We drove home, me in a reverie of ecstasy because of Cookie & a reverie of anger; the flaking!

Went into the driveway & I spewed out & said bye. Fatima’s friend Carolyn, answered. They were all looking out the window & they kept bickering, "Who was that? Who were they? Hulya would scrutinize the car & blare out, "Looks like it’s filled with girls!" Fatima would ejaculate, "God, Moose, what is that, a harem?". Fatima’s friends would expatiate on a "naughty, naughty, naughty" theme.

I FELT GREAT! with all this commentary! I mean, it was refreshing, rejuvenating, revitalizing to hear such talk directed at the once monkish me.

They later asked what I saw. I said "Little Darlings". They said, "With a harem of 6 girls?!" DAMN, I lOVE IT…. I LOVE IT ALL!!!

Big brother’s changed.

I ate all day & we played little games. Saw TV. I showed them the slides & we did "Boggle". Larry called & I talked of my conquests. DAMN, I’ve changed so much.

I can’t wait to see her again. I love her; I love her; I love her.

I WAS TRULY BORN ON FEB 25. It’s 12:42 am.
 
  Friday, April 4th

One thing’s for sure; the 1st two days of this vacation have definitly NOT been wasted. Quite unlike past vacations & I certainly intend it to continue doing so.

I woke up & I was all worried the whole morning about the call I would make to Leigh. That name seems so unreal to me now, so "fantastic". As if that name and that person were from a dream, a wonderful, glorious dream, a dream in which I met a girl and fell in love. But most unreal. We held each other’s hands, felt each other, walked arm in arm, exchanged passionate phone calls and made very quiet love together. NO DREAM MOOSE. NO DREAM. It is only ALL TOO REAL………....MY GOD.

Anyway, fortunately Leigh called me first. She said she went to a movie, the rated G one. I asked her out to go to the "R" one tonight. She couldn’t (babysitting) but we agreed that tomorrow, weather permitting, we would go bike riding & afterwards, see that "R" movie (bad weather or not). GREAT!!

My face below my lips is all ugly, red & pimply. God willing by tomo this goop I’ve been spreading will return it to normal. So its better for me we go tomo.

I swear, I havn’t seen her in two days & it feels like the whole thing’s hurling down. I don’t know why, but it does.

Joel called twice concerning his love conflicts.

I helped anne a bit cleaning the house & stuff cause it appears that 2 of Fatima’s friends & Fatima are coming today. After that, I got to work cleaning the bike.

First, I tightened everything. Then I painstakingly washed the whole bike down with detergent. It was all messy and yucky work; plus, baba came with Fatima and company & they saw me pail in one hand, wet rag in the other & all dirty. I didn’t mind.

Then I rubbed this chrome polish stuff baba brought over. Particularly the weels & THE SPOKES. Then I buffed it & it sparkled like a diamond. I’m sellin it for no less than $89.

Washed, ate, saw TV & showed all my movie. I showed Fatima’s friends either my Super-8 film about Turkey or a video I made called The Green Door, based on an O. Henry story. One girl has got crutches & the other’s not that bad. Who cares. I got a woman, hopefully. 12:23 pm.

BTW, I rode Fatima’s bike down & got air for tomo. I did driving today. I intend to score some points tomo……please God.
 
  Thursday, April 3rd, 1980 (Maundy Thursday)

Maundy? What the hell is Maundy? Well, whoever he, or she is, if it is a she or he, I’m sure he, or she, is having better luck with his or her steady than I am with mine.

Larry’s phone call got me out of bed. He wants to do something. We talk & in a 1/2 hour we leave…....TO GO FISHIN’......….yep.

First, we stop at Hogan’s Cyclery & he fixes up the weel on that folly bike of mine. $4.26 & worth it!

It was a beautifully balmy, warm day. We drove thru hick roads & hick towns, stopped at a hick diner & got hick directions to the Basherkill Lake.

We stopped the car & embarked on a true adventure. First, Larry tried to get his car thru a "jeep-country" road & had to back out whereupon we walked a long ways along a lake, stopping to bother frogs, etc.

We found an old, rotting, green row-boat. "CARPE DIEM!", we exclaimed & hopped in. After an arduous 5 minutes we got the boat movin’. It was all marsh land & me steerin, him pushin (usin’ sticks). We glided slowly thru the duck filled lake. Beautiful but hot, dirty, wet, muddy & aching.

I had to push on the way back & just as we were about to "dock" her, I hear a car door slam.
TERROR! COMPLETE AND FRENZIED TERROR!!! We desperately pushed the boat! Our sticks broke & in a moment of panic, I flew 6 feet & hopped onto the bank. I saw a very official looking truck & my heart raced a mile a minute.

I choked out, "Larry, get out or we’re dead!" He tried the same thing as me only he hopped into the water.

We slowly walked away & as we walked we decided Larry was Ted Brewster and I was Alec Freedman, on a 4-H trip. We concealed our wallets in our underwear & waited for the moment that pick-up would roll by, stop & a man with a large badge would begin the inquisition.

They didn’t come & we raced to Larry’s car & sped off in a cloud of dust & laughed all the way to Wurtsboro.

In Wurtsboro we got food & just walked around & returned to the scene of the crime. This time we walked way past the boat EVERYWHERE!! It was great. I certainly broke in my work shoes. We then went back, visited a 1930’s shanty town-like shack. Got home. Cleaned up, fixed up the bike, saw TV. Filled the bike with air, I drove.

I called Leigh twice to ask about seeing this movie tomo & she was never home cause SHE WENT TO SEE THAT SAME MOVIE!! What great luck. DAMN IT ALL.

I’ve got to see her, feel her again.
 
Thursday, June 17, 2004
  Wednesday, April 2nd

OH, THE CONTINUATION OF BLISS!!!

Got up, hair lousy, but the worse part was my face skin cracking more than usual. I paid no attention.

DAMN!!! In Joel’s HR Leigh walked in! I said a really oafish thing, "How’d you know I was here?" DAMN. (Rita told her, by the way).

She just wanted to ask me if I wanted to play volleyball. I said yes & Rita gave me an Easter candy.

Physics sub. Me & Joel roamed the halls for a while in the beginning of the period & saw Leigh in history. I guess Leigh must like me if she’ll come to a homeroom just to ask if I’m playing volleyball.

Studyhall math HW. English Townsend erupted! She blasted away at Larry, David & Andy over integrity, baseness in stealing a test & just cheating. I strained to keep from laughing as her fired-up eyes seized the class in silence! Then we just did other stuff. She wanted to see Andy after class & Andy just left. God was I worried about him, he might get suspended.

I went into Leigh’s english & we talked. I held her hand as we talked & rubbed it a bit. Everyone saw. Who cares.

Lunch nuthin. History went over Regents. Health nuthin. Rita talked to me afterwards. She told me her other picture turned out good. Trig, Leigh came to the door & said "Moose!" DAMN, she wanted me to get out of class & go to this french buffet. Shit-it-all! I wish to hell I could have gone! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. She was waiting after class & we T&W’d hand in hand, to her typing.

Then I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror & I stood aghast in horror. My face was flaking & red.

In gym we went outside for "orienteering" & I just went to Lloyd’s & sweatingly got what I thought was skin lotion. It wasn’t. It made my face smell like camphor & more red. Plus I kept sweating.

After school, I went to Leigh’s locker & the 1st thing I did was put both my hands on her shoulders, draw near to her & say, "Guess who?" STUPID!!! But at least I got really close to her.

We were let out early & she had time to kill, so hand in hand, we walked all thru the school. We walked, hand in hand, into english, everyone saw. People were crowded around her desk, I just did stuff to pass time. Then we walked away.

Pure bliss.

In the hallway going to guidance we put our arms around each other. It got a little uncomfortable so we continued walking. Went to that window area facing the right part of the upper traffic circle, on the 3rd floor & just stayed there & again we put our arms around each other & talked.

I must have been hideous, smelling like camphor, red, scaling, SWEATING face. GOD. Well, she saw her car & we walked hand in hand to her car. Her sister was driving & we got in a diagram A position. We were an inch from crashing at one point! I swear, an inch away from disaster at that intersection thing at the bottem of Overhill.

Got home. Goodbye. Larry called & I changed & we went back to school to watch this track meet. It was just a girl’s track meet. He brought a camera & we took pictures of girls. I took a picture of Lynn Currier, the largest fox in school & I’m making an understatement. She was 3 feet from the camera too. WOW!! Who the hell cares.

One crazy incident. Since Mechanicstown, I’ve had this keen interest & curiousity about this girl (see 9-22-76 ....…yep, that far back). This was the 1st girl I sincerely fell in "love" with in the true sense of the word. I mean, the whole bit, dizzyness, burning feeling, shivering, I mean, I was in love.

It lasted a while but I got over it. Yet, since that time I have watched this girl’s progression, objectively. She is only known to my mind, no one else's. I have always felt I know her better than anyone else because I’ve known & watched her since we were wee tots.

She’s rather stacked, too much make-up, a flirt, yet if she wanted, she could really be good-looking(she already is slightly.

Well, I stood still with the camera pointed right at her face, & took a picture & I KNOW she saw because after that she would look at me & I, purposely, perhaps for fun, perhaps for adventure, would stare right back. For moments at a time our eyes would be glued.

I didn’t do this too seriously because I already have a girl & it was this "sexual" security that prompted me to play this staring game.

Well, its just strange because I have known this girl for 8 years. I've loved her at times, longed for her, forgotten about her. Yet always, I have watched her, for 8 years!!

Today, she finally notices me & obviously not being stupid, she probobly assumes I’m interested in her. Now, whether she’s interested in me or the camera – well, I don’t know…...& truthfully…..I don’t care. I’ve got a girl & that’s all that matters……………………......at least for the moment.

MY GOD! Imagine if she tries to get to know me. I mean, what if she suddenly comes up to me & says "Hi…..etc, etc" SHIT….I do believe I’d have to shove her aside! WHAT A RARE situation that would be!! Fending off a girl so I won’t get my steady mad!!

Me & Larry then went to the Plaza & just walked around. Got home & was depressed cause me, Berkowitz & Andy were gonna get drunk…………but didn’t.
 
Monday, May 24, 2004
  Tuesday, April 1st

I was born today. Read on.

Washed my hair, was great. Snow was melting rapidly & by the 3rd period, all but gone.

Physics, sub, nothin’. Studyhall we spent thinking of April Fool’s jokes on Townsend. Andy left the room during english. He tried to page her through the main office between periods but we didn’t have a chance to move her desk next door! Damn!

We took the rest of the test today, it was hilarious. We just talked & laughed & copied with bravado. I got a 83 on the 1st 100 questions.

I saw Leigh. We T&W’d. We leaned against the wall very close to each other & talked.

Lunch nothin. History was really fun, just laughed & stuff. Health talk. Trig confusing talk. I have GOT to get cracking on this trig. This stuff we’re in leaves me completely baffled & I don’t have the will to learn it.

GET MOVIN’ MOOSE!!!!

I waited for Leigh & walked with her to typing. She told me I have competition. A certain John Bilozi, short pudgy kid I knew from x-country, apparently wants Leigh’s phone number. I told her I’d straighten him out.

Studyhall, couldn’t concentrate at all.

I went to Leigh’s locker. My 1st guess was correct. Rita got a camera & took two pictures of me & Leigh, leaning against the wall. They were terrible. My lips protruded, my pimples glared, my body unattractive.

Well, Leigh was a "linesman" in a volleyball game today at 3:30 or so...so & I told her I would go. WHAT A MOMENTOUS DECISION! We walked to my locker, then to hers, then walked outside & sat & small talked. Then we went to the new gym where they were getting ready for the game.

We sat on the bench, VERY near to each other. My leg, completely, was against hers & I imperceptibly brushed her naked arm with my finger.

Well, the 1st game was OK, although I felt rather disquieted thinking that Leigh might feel uncomfortable with me watching. Here now, began the birth of Mustafa Smith, man.

We sat, in the intermission, very near to each other, as usual. Well, she told me her hands were really cold. 5 seconds later it hit me…..MOOSE, don’t just sit there, warm her hands up. So I said, "Here, warm them with my hands." Beautiful.

Then I thought the intermission ended & I put her hand down. She said, "It’s not over yet, you can still hold my hand." Well, I most certainly did. Then we got into a Diagram A position accompanied with frequent rubbing and petting with the other hands.

One disquieting thing; she told me she wants to get together with me as much as she can during the vacation. What’s so disquieting you ask? Well, she said the reason she wants to is, because after the vacation, when we get report cards & her parents see her "F" for history, they will unconsciously, maybe consciously blame me, sort of, and they’ll tell her to ease-up on seeing me & increase the studying.

DAMN!!!!!!!!! This sort of thing can get a guy worryin’. Now, I’m thinking she’s saying this as a prelude to breaking up around the beginning of May. DAMN. Well, this was a bad part, wait till you read what happened after the last game!

By the way, during the game I walked out a few times, watched the track meet. Andy Graymist stayed with me a while watching the game.

Anyway, after the 1st few games, Leigh occasionally held my arm, as I would to hers a few times, for a moment or too. Well, I’m gettin’ my courage up & after the last game, I walked up to her & clearly laid my hand on her shoulder. This gesture really must have gone home cause immediately after doing this……….....she………....now get ready for this, SHE PUT HER ARM ALL THE WAY AROUND ME!

I immediately did the same to her. Our arms were around our waists; a most typical lover’s position. We walked like this into the stands.

I – WAS – IN – PURE – ECSTASY – LAND !!!! My god it felt so good, it felt so wonderfully, gloriously, unbelievably good!!!!

We let go & walked to the cheering teams & spectators. Talked a bit with Pora & then walked away. I then did something UNPRECEDENTED! I held her hand!!!

We walked like this all the way to her locker. At her locker my courage is flaming hot! I completely put my arm & hand on her shoulder, from the back & told her, while in this wonderful position, to throw away the picture Rita took.

Then we walked, hand in hand, to my locker, then to the phone where she called her mother.

Then, this time arm in arm, walked outside. We soon switched & walked hand in hand & Andy saw us & god it felt great to show your friend, "See, I got a girl too".

We went to the fence by the track & here I made the most VITAL move of the day. In fact, THE most intense move since Vernon Valley. Just as we stopped walking, I put my arm, as much as I could, around her!!! It was difficult, with our winter coats, but she also did the same to me & this too ecstatic, too pleasurable activity to print on paper lasted a long time.

Intermittently, I would really hold her tight & nuzzle my face in her hair & she would often bury her head in my shoulder.

But here’s the best part, in this position, she rubbed my torso with her free hand, very gently & rhythmically. MY GOD WAS I HAPPY!!!

Kirsten came & we squeezed in one seat. Right as we sat, she put her beautiful arm around me & a minute later I did something which shows how far we have gotten in our relationship. I put my hand on her knee & part of her leg.

This was the ultimate achievement!!!

Got home & we just held arms for "good-bye". Man, was my pants wet in that area. This whole episode I had embarrasing boners.

I swear I was on cloud nine at home. I was in heaven!!! I couldn’t grasp the reality, the sexual reality of what just passed. The fact that IT WAS NO DREAM, it was no PILLOW, it was no PICTURE! It was REAL!!

Did a little math HW. Joel told me me and Bekowitz are getting zeros & its cause she knows of our cheating but I think it’s an April fool’s joke It better god damn be.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR! It’s 10:51 pm.
 
Monday, May 17, 2004
  Monday, March 31st

A most recent tradition for my head is to be lousy, hair-wise, a day after I went thru hell with the jungle mess!! I also felt dizzy, weak, hot, feverish & I knew this would be an awful day & wasn’t even sure if I would go to school tomo.

I just made the bus, I wore my new workboots. Had some G disquietude immense. She sat directly in front of me. DAMN these closet skeletons!

Physics, got our labs back & this most recent confusing lab is due pretty soon. By the way, Kirsten, Leigh’s sister walked into Joel’s homeroom. We said hello, etc.

Studyhall english study. English test was ludicrous, 150 questions! Some sections we hadn’t even heard of! Me & Berkowitz periodically looked at each other with a smile & laugh of incredulity.
I copied fantastically from Dom Maillaro’s sheet so I’m hoping for a C. I got a 72 on Friday’s by the way.

I saw Leigh as usual & we T & W’d. She said she enjoyed my company very much. I threw a bunch of "thank you’s" and "I do too’s " on her.

History Russ rebuked me once & that’s unusual. I was goofin’ off. I deserved it. Health, afterwards, Rita, my Love Informant, told me & for the life of me I can’t construe it, she told me to "wear something nice tommorow" (to be read in a British accent.

Well, I’ve done a lot of thinking & its 1 of 3 things. She or someone is gonna take a picture of us; someone in connection with Leigh is going to be introduced to me or, three (and this definitely has to be it): Rita is going to ask me, as she often does (in the presence of Leigh or not, I don’t know), to ask Leigh to go to the Prom.

This has got to be it. It’s typical for Rita to do "date-making" of this sort. Anyway, I’m truly anxious to see what the hell it is – whatever it is. It’s probobly nuthin.

Trig sub, work sheets. Gym we saw a terrible film.

I went to beautiful, gorgeous Leigh’s locker (Leigh, not her locker!) & we T&W’d with her sister. It was really SNOWING at this point & she had to wait inside & I did something unprecedented. The moment before I left her, I held her arm for a moment & said good-bye. DAMN, I wish she would regard this as a signal , for her to reciprocate a little!!!

Joel got me home. Saw The Agony & Ecstasy on the 4:30 movie, did very little in regard to this lab. I whaled. Damn my pimples. 9:16 pm.

 
  Sunday, March 30th, Passion (Palm) Sunday

OH GOD! – PASSION Sunday is an understatement! The most passionate of passionate Sundays – March 30th. This day’s recognition as "Passion Sunday" can’t just be coincidence; please, read on.

I got up & immediately took a two-hour bath; I was never cleaner & my hair, great. I also put on a great shirt, the white "cool" one that I never wear & of course, I put on the new shoes, the workboots. I didn’t forget to put on Old Spice neither.

Tantalizingly, I found out Hulya was to go to see "Kramer Vs. Kramer" at the same showing with me & Leigh! At first I was mad, then I realized this was advantageous. Leigh wants to see anne & so she will, but she will also see my sister; even better. Once Leigh sees my family, as I’ve seen hers, there will be much less uneasiness in our……....dare I say it……....lovemaking.

I really looked great, so I thought & finally we left. We first picked up Hulya’s friend, Megan, then got to Leigh’s. She got in the car. I awkwardly introduced her to everyone & we got off to a very bad start. We hardly talked at all. I mean, silence & of course we couldn’t get near each other.

Got to the theater, I paid the 7 bucks & we comically found a row to sit in. I swear, when you’re with a girl the biggest pain is deciding on something, cause she says "I don’t care" & you try to deduce what she wants & so you say, "I don’t care either" etc, etc.

Well, we sat second to back row & immediately drew near each other & searched out things to talk about. We expatiated on school, census, Friday, ANYTHING!!! Then the movie began.

I DISCOVERED A HIDEOUS RULE FOR DATING: Never & I mean NEVER take a girl to a movie that is plotty & emotional. Take them to see scary movies, B movies but NOT movies that are good & keep your attention.

From the moment the movie began it was so good that we, or at least Leigh, was god damn absorbed & for the 1st hour & a half the furthest we got sexually was just leaning very close to each other with our arms from the elbow up, contiguous. I also had my right leg completely leaning & rubbing onto her left leg.

I had such big plans (put my arm around her, etc). I got pretty disquieted so finally I resolved. I had to make a move before the movie was over. Her arms were crossed so I slowly brought my left arm onto my right arm so that my fingers were very close to the fingers of her right hand. Then, almost imperceptibly, I nudged her so slightly with my fingers. I know she felt these tiny sensations cause she moved her fingers a little.

Well, this went on for a few minutes when I decided to go all the way. I brought my left arm up & scratched my face very casually & brought it back down & made THE MOVE of the day. I completely placed my left hand on her right hand, her arms are still crossed at this point. This was the obvious signal to her.

For about 5 minutes all we did was gently make tiny movements. I would rub her hand with a finger, she would gently hold one of my fingers.

Finally, I went for the whole hog. I leaned over & asked in a whisper, "Can I hold your hand?" OAF, IDIOT, FOOL, FOOL, FOOL!!! MASTER OF WORDS!!! ASS! For one thing, she said "What?" I said it too low but she got the idea & we made the necessary adjustments with our arms so that my right arm was completely coupled with her left (see diagam A).

Well, for better or for worse, the move was made & I took full advantage. I intermittently squeezed her hand but, more pleasurably, I brought my left hand over & literally petted the long length of her left arm. I would place my hand over her left hand or just rub it.

Here’s the most contentful part; I petted & squeezed her arm from the elbow up. I mean, I really rubbed, GOD it was so pleasurable. So beautiful!

Just holding her arm, the furthest I went was, I rubbed her arm all the way up to her shoulder! I just rubbed back & forth, up & down. Don’t get the idea I did this non-stop. It was over a period of a half an hour.

Leigh, however, didn’t reciprocate too much. She certainly didn’t do as much as she did during "The Fog". I hope its because she was too absorbed in the movie cause all she did was occasionally finger my right arm a bit with her right hand. God I wanted to kiss her so much.

Well, the movie ended & I think both of us were reluctant to unclasp. I SURE AS HELL WAS!! Then I did something unprecedented! As we walked to the phone I put my hand on her left shoulder for just a moment, then we saw Joel with Amy.

We talked about the motorboat, etc. Then I asked Leigh if she wanted to go to the Mall or something. Really awkward, standing there, both us periodically repeating "I don’t care what do you wanna do?"

Well, we decided not to & I called anne. Then we walked outside to wait. We leaned against the wall & MY GOD were we so close. I mean I was practically nuzzled onto her. It was great.

Just one thing. I was already shaking from nervousness & the cool air made it much worse & she felt it & said, "Let’s go inside, you’re shivering." Any macho image I had built collapsed & died in the dust at this point! DAMN.

Well, we sat down on a seat very close to each other. Hulya saw & I didn’t care. In fact, I was glad. Show her I’m human & I’m a man.

Well, I got up to talk to Joel & when I came back to the seat I made another UNPRECEDENTED move. It was damn awkward & silly but, as I sat down, I reached down, picked up her left arm & put my arm thru it as I sat down. She complied. It was damn clumsy but it had very nice results.

I just talked about Turkey. God it was so nice. Just sitting there arm in arm & the fingers of her left arm were between my right leg & her left & she intermittently fingered my leg!

By the way, during the film, while in the Diagram A position, we moved our hands ONTO her left thigh. I mean, because my arm was on "the bottom", so to speak, the entire length of my arm, from hand to elbow was laying quite securely on her …….thigh! God it was so nice.

Man, there is nothing as pleasurable as feeling a warm, soft girl.

Anne came, we unclasped & we hardly talked all the way to her house. Normally, we would have been so close if anne wasn’t there. As she walked to her house we touched hands & she walked away.

Well, home, ate & pillow Penny’d the rest of the day.

I did some english & tried on baba’s tux cause I told anne I’m takin’ her to the prom & Joel said I’ve got to prepare now if I want to go. 11:42PM

 
  Saturday, March 29th

I got up really late, at 11:30. I guess I was too busy dreaming about Leigh all night.

Got up & the whole day was listless & depressed. I know why too. I’ve had that feeling all day when you know you’re about to be incredibly sick. Weak, dizzyness, your eyes hurt when you turn them. You sort of feel like you’re trembling or shivering and you’re damn inactive.

That was me all day. A yucky, hot, pre-feverish feeling. DAMN, all those days without a t-shirt so I could "look good" And my wet hair in the morning! I shouldn’t be surprised. I know it would god damn happen!!!

After having breakfast, I filled out this census thing for baba. I got a letter from Thrall saying I had a book out for 100 days!

Well, we went downtown, me driving & got a pair of one size smaller workbooks for me & I got this library thing all resolved. Got home, stopped at Lloyd’s.

WHAT a son of a bitch miserable day! Rain, drizzle, damp. Got home. If it wasn’t raining, me, Larry & Joel were gonna find a water route for the boating next Sunday. I found out it was off. I knew it would be when I called Larry. Berkowitz called me also.

I mostly ambled desultory from one mirror to another looking at my shoes in different pants. I had a lot of tea & saw 5 minutes of TV. I spent a lot of time resting on my bed always, always thinking; about Leigh; about love. Each time I would end up with a pillow Penny.

I spent 90% of my thinking mind on one subject: how tommorow would turn out.

The next step is to put my arm around her, but with her attitude, I don’t know, she might pull another, "My parents won’t let me make out until I know you better".

DAMN, all I want to do is give her a good night kiss, maybe an arm around the wrist. God, I don’t wanna fuck her! Well, at the least we’ll hold hands – maybe.

I just listened to COPELAND. Berkowitz & everybody is partying but I decided not to. God, don’t let me get sick.
 
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
  Friday, March 28

I got up early cause I wanted to wash my hair but then I didn’t but it was so lousy I had to. I had to race the clock but I made the bus.

Physics I got a 39 on the quarterly, now a 29 because of this error, that’s about a B or a C, not a D or F. We also had a god damn lab that was damn confusing. English Townsend gave us answers to questions for a test we took 5 minutes later!! The whole class did lousy, well, me & Berkowitz certainly did.

I saw Leigh. She had a shirt that said "Embrasse-moi" God, I should have said "May I?"

Lunch nothin. History talk. Health talk. Trig we took a quiz during which I got terribly sick. Abdominal cramps. I was shivering with cold. I keep not wearing a t-shirt cause I look better. All for Leigh of course. And that feverish feeling I had, I’m sure, cost me the test.

I walked & talked Leigh to typing. In studyhall I just talked with Berkowitz the whole time.

Despite my enervated condition I went to Leigh’s locker as usual. Because of my sickness I was really more casual, more at ease with her. She was arguing with Mr. Bailey about something. I just walked her outside then she had to go back in.

Joel dropped me off & I walked back home. It was very pleasant. I went thru the forest just for the scenery.

Got home. No one was home so I ate & took a rest after 2 aspirins. I just dreamed of Leigh the whole time. I whaled once & I went in & out of feverishness.

I called up David because he wanted to go play volleyball with me & Leigh (I planned to do it). So me, him, & Joel called back & forth, forth & back. So Joel picked me up, got to Berkowitz’ house, He had my bottle of JD. I wanted to get buzzed so I took a few shots.

We got to the school. I saw Leigh. She was sitting on this wall with her little brother.

The worst had happened; there was no volleyball, there was only cheerleading practice.

Got it was a terrible situation. Here we are 5 guys, all slightly ticked off, Berkowitz rambling on about the JD & me trying to tell Leigh it wasn’t her fault. All we did was just sit there, smiling at a slightly awkward situation.

Well, finally I decided I would walk with Leigh to her house & from there hang around till 8:45 & call anne & have her bring us to a movie. Well, a rule in her house: she couldn’t bring me into the house unless she called first. SO, we walked to the YMCA.

We trailed those guys & met them at the phone & we sort of got things patched up. These guys were slightly mean. Leigh’s parents weren’t home so I couldn’t walk with her to her house. So after 5 minutes of intense confusion I said "good-bye". It was so damn awkward, so damn unusual, the first negative thing in this relationship. I was so mad & worried.

Joel drove me home & after a while I called her up & THANK GOD things are much better. We talked on & on about my friends, apologies, school, her friends. We talked about the fact that tomo’s trip to Monroe was cancelled due to rain. In regard to this I said, "I was really looking forward to arm-wrestling you." That was a hint, & she said, "Me too".

WONDERFULL.

She wanted me to say something in Turkish. I said "you are very pretty" & I told her I said that. She said Thank You. Then we resolved to see a movie this Sunday, "Kramer vs. Kramer".

I don’t know, this movie is plotty & it’s not scary but I pray there will still be some hand-holding, or if a miracle occurs, maybe I’ll take the next step & put my arm around her….WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT!!

I’m sorry, though, we talked too long cause Hulya tried to call & could not from her school. I REALLY feel bad.

I didn’t even get slightly buzzed the whole time.

Sad, there was no physical contact today. Well boys, things seem to point toward the unbelievable fact that perhaps Leigh Hoffman likes me.

Tomo I’m supposed to go with Larry & Joel to look for a "water-ride" for boating next Sunday. Like all things, it will definitly fall through.

God, now I have to endure tommorow in waiting for Sunday. My god…..I must love her…….I do dammit, I do.
 
Sunday, May 09, 2004
  Thursday, March 27

Finally my good jeans were ready; good jeans, referring to the ones that were Fatima’s which go below my ankle.

Had a bit of G trouble. G sat a seat in front on the other side. In my corner eye I saw her gregariously look in my direction a few times. She wants to play. She is, of course, having, or I should say, trying to have some Puerto Rican fun. The slut. She’ll find me very unwilling. My eyes never stray from that imaginary point out the window.

Physics quarterly was the easiest thus far & I think I did OK. Studyhall, tried Math. English, another joke, we got an immense grammar test & I don’t give a shit as to what I get. I studied 10 minutes & I just don’t care.

I saw Leigh afterwards. GOD did she look delicious. She had this blue sweater & a blue plaid skirt….Oh Dear God!!!!…..Ah me….for a piece of that girl there’s nothing I wouldn’t give!

I must love her…...WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE SEE IN ME!!!!!!! A girl of her beauty could have any guy she wanted & yet she picks me. Someday I’ll ask her.

Lunch nothin. History it was Mr. Russ’ birthday & we sang happy birthday & ten minutes later one Mary Pat Papini came in with a cake & we all went hip hip hooray, 3 cheers, etc & all got a piece of cake & we gave him $1.98 in change. Hilarious yet touching & I truly mean touching. The ol’ Crusty shell broke in half & for a half-moment we saw the real Mr. Russ; kind, lonely……....an incredible softie. He was speechless save for a few, quiet thank-yous.

Well, Health we had a quiz & I got one wrong & it was terribly good. When he called out the grades he said "You know yours." I said, "It brings my average down." Some kid said, "Yeah, 95 probobly" sarcastically. Ryder replied quite seriously, "Nope…......97" & the class broke into a laughing awe.

Trig test tomo, I went on the board to write a problem & it wasn’t too pretty.

David Goldsmith, the kid you love to hate, got hit in the face with a pie. Thought I’d mention it cause he’s in my top ten list of people I hate the most.

I caught Leigh going to typing & I walked her there & we talked & walked (T & W’d) & I resolved to do what I said I’d do. After we said bye, I stopped, turned, said "Cookie". She turned, came a few steps back toward me. I took a few steps toward her & I said, "You really look nice today." She replied, "Thank you" and I said "Thank YOU" with intonation on "you".

I was damn happy I said that & even if the "today" part loused it up, I ‘m sure she was still flattered to hell. I think that line went home.

Went to "gym", an absurdity with compasses & maps. I, of course, went to Leigh’s locker & walked with her outside & left. Got home.

I had some more arguments with anne then I drove downtown & after much heated debate I changed my road test schedule. I got a much better date now, April 21. God that is such a relief. I’m glad I changed. Appeasment! But I had too.

Went to Webers & got work boots to go with my Sweet-Orrs but they are too HUGE. I told anne to take em back & get me a 1/2.

Studied all after. Whaled & spent 96% of my mind use on one Leigh Hoffman……….....beautiful.
 
Monday, May 03, 2004
  Wednesday, March 26

I got up & went through damn frustration with musical bathrooms & lousy hair, lousy clothes, lousy pimples & we missed the bus. Baba, angrily, took us.

Physics we reviewed for the Quarterly tomo. I studied a lot but that certainly doesn’t mean I’ll do good.

Studyhall I wrote this stupid composition for english. I really went crazy with it. English was a joke; nobody listened to a word she said & we laughed & joked the whole damn period & here’s the biggest joke; we have a huge grammar test Friday.

I saw Leigh in her english class & she came out & we talked by the door, small talk, & I left to make up a gym. MY LAST make-up & it was pretty good. I made at least a dozen shots with the basketball. I had time to lunch.

History talk. Health I made a hundred ballots with my name on it for the proverb (french) contest. If my name’s picked, its 10 E-Z bucks. Trig I ditto’d worksheets off for Andrews cause I thought while up there I could ditto a few hundred more ballots with my name. Couldn’t do it.

Trig test Friday. CONFUSION! Studyhall made more ballots.

I went to Leigh’s locker as usual. I intend to go to her locker every single day, rain or shine.

I talked with Eric a bit & after he walked away he saw me in plain view talking with Leigh & I’m sure he became Eric of Envy.

Leigh was reading a note written to her by Rita concerning my ballot writing in Health. Rita is the express mail of the day’s events between me & Leigh & vica-versa. We just talked & walked to the parking lot & said good-bye. How I live for the day when it is commonplace when I kiss her good-bye.

Joel took me home. Baba took me to Personnel Office, Horton. I walked in & this lady talked to me. It was awkward slightly. I was really ignorant. Well, it sems I can get a job in the kitchen, 3 days a week & on Saturdays & Sundays. 4 hours at the least, 3-7pm & god knows what hours on the week-ends….$3.38 an hour........BUT, I can’t do it. Not with school & especially NOT WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

Leigh.

Me & Larry had a really boy to boy intimate talk about girls & Leigh & driving, etc.

Had some more explicit talk with anne. She’s against Leigh in general. Well, that’s too bad. I love her.
 
  Tuesday, March 25, The Annunciation (Lady Day) (Md.)

Annunciation huh? I surely wish certain people would annunciate as to why they’ve taken a liking to me.

Well, it was snowin this morning & I stoically questioned anne & listened to the radio. There’s school.

We tried to find Townsend & couldn’t so decided NOT to take the essay contest cause me & Joel did NOT want to miss physics. Well, Mrs. Brown & Berkowitz walked into physics & we juggled it to 3rd & 4th (periods).

This Quarterly is somewhat larger & more complex than I had originally anticipated in my typically halcyon manner. It’s gonna be a bitch!

Studyhall nuthin. 3rd went to that little office in the library & man, was it ludicrous. Me, Joel & David sittin there starin at each other in regard to the stupidest essay question we’d ever seen. God did we have a good laugh, a laugh tinted with horror.

Berkowitz was bewildered & befuddled & he laughed it off. I, however, got to some serious writin. Even though it was the nadir of organization, my essay’s got it in the bag. Me & Joel managed to catch lunch.

Hist. Nuthin. Health, son-of-a-bitch. First, Rita gives me a note saying Leigh thinks of me as a "dashing young Romeo" & loves meeting me in the hallway (that was an ego trip that nearly sent me through the ceiling!) so here I am, in uncontrollable inner ecstasy when Ryder, who was talking about sneakers, asks me to come to his desk, stand on the chair & put my foot up while he points at the various parts.

God DAMMIT!! besides burying me in total embarrassment, I shudder to think what Rita was thinking. Being told I was a dashing Romeo, then being made to show my shoe to the class in my high water jeans like a complete fool & idiot!

At this moment, I would have praised God if Ryder suddenly fell & broke his neck. God I despised him. To soar into the sky from one sentence on a piece of paper then suddenly slammed down into the dirt, into complete humiliation. DAMN HIM!

Trig only had time to do the 1st part (graphing) which I did OK. Out. Ed. compass assinine stuff.

I talked to Leigh & got the nerve to ask her if she thought I was really a dashing Romeo. She asked what I thought of her. I remarked, "A lovely Juliet". GOD I hope it struck home.

Walked & talked outside then left her beauty & Joel took me home.

At home I really bridged a wide gap in this family. Anne was givin me a hard time concerning my rush to get a license. She kept asking why? Why? WHY!! I kept answering, "I can’t tell you, believe me, it’s a good reason & it’s the most important thing to me."

I couldn’t get myself to say "girlfriend".

Finally, she jokingly said it, "You have girlfriend?" & when she did I yelled "YES!!"

At this point I spilled my guts on the kitchen floor, everything. I told everything & I guess things are better with ANNE!!

Not baba.

I can’t believe how open we talked. Hulya heard but I’m sort of glad she did.

I drove Hulya to piano & then we drove everywhere & I CAN'T PARALLEL park. Got home, studied, then went with Baba, me driving, to get Hulya & got gas on the way home.

I studied physics all day & some math. I’m considering, seriously, rescheduling my road test to the end of April or whenever. I just have to, DAMN. Do I take it in a week & risk failing it easily or do I wait a month & undoubtedly pass?

If I do the former & I pass, the possibilities ARE LIMITLESS WITH LEIGH. If I fail, I simply reschedule but by that time we’re talkin the middle of May & that’s AFTER the Junior-Senior Prom & who knows if Leigh will not be sick of me by then.

If I reschedule now, chances are good it’ll be before the prom…………………..DAMN SHITTIN CONFLICTS all typically motivated by love!!
 
  Monday, March 24

Got up & as usual on a day after I take a bath and my hair was great - my hair is lousy. I spent an eternity getting it decent for my sweet precious..........Ahhhhhh……...sigh.

Had some G conflict getting off the bus. She came to my seat & gestured me to get off in front of her which I did with amazing smoothness & don’t-give-a-damness.

Me & Berkowitz went to Townsend again. Tomo we take the impromptu essay contest thing 1st period. Not only do I miss physics two days before a quarterly but we have to do it in Mrs. Brown’s office in the library!…......I’m considering abstaining!

Studyhall didn’t learn Trig. English was a joke. She tried to do grammar & we had a hell of a time. What a fool she is.

DAMN. I didn’t see Leigh after English & I waited around a bit too.

Lunch nuthin. History in the beginning Leigh came to the door & gave me mine & all these other people’s, invitations to a party for Torben.

God that party will be fantastic because of the fact I will have an intimate relationship with one of the main "hosts". So many people are coming & god I look forward to being seen, together, with Leigh.

Man……….I can’t god damn wait.

However, I didn’t see Leigh after History & I waited a bit too.

Health an awful clump of boredom in the schedule. Trig was ONLY A PRE-TEST!! GREAT cause I found out I would have done REAL BAD. It’s tomo & I studied a bit. There’s also a shittin BIG grammar test Thursday & the Quarterly too!!!

I saw Leigh while walking to studyhall & nowadays I grab every chance to talk or walk with her. We walked to her typing class & expatiated on this barbecue I’m going to on Saturday in Monroe in celebration of her mother’s birthday!

This place is supposed to be in the woods & we’re supposed to chop wood, pick berries & have arm wrestling fights where I will arm wrestle Leigh!

I don’t know about this. I know I’ll feel isolated in this family group.

God, I’ll be getting to know her vivacious family while she’ll hardly never see baba or Hulya or anne cause they are absolutely opposite IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY & this house reeks with dullness & stagnation.

Amid Baba’s venom tongue, anne took me driving & I had a helluva time with parallel parking & it was RAINING AT THE TIME.

I studied physics. I MIGHT GET A JOB (VIA BABA) AT HORTON….that’s Leigh money. 10:11 PM.
 
Coming of Age diary of a Turkish-American teen-ager in Middletown, New York. SPECIAL NOTE: Some words in this diary are written in code in case it gets into the wrong hands (ie. my parents). Other words are just my personal abbreviations. Here is a partial Key: tomo = tommorow. greed = girl. "G" Refers to a girl named Gloria who I tried to date. I got her flowers & she totally ignored me. Whale = to masturbate

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